When you feel angry…

After

After the anger dries up
and falls away like an old dried husk,
it might be you feel
like laughing—
at yourself it turns out—
and all that is now possible
whispers to you
like wind in the meadow,
 
and where before you saw
a single path
you now see thousands,
and you wonder
how you never noticed it before
the way every step
receives you.

By~Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer

I’ve been dealing with a lot of anger this last week (or two, who am I kidding) and there really didn’t seem to be one specific thing that had made me mad. Does this ever happen to you? It’s so confusing. It doesn’t happen to me often, I don’t like to stay mad, I want to get things sorted out right away. I’m a communicator, especially with myself, so when this does happen it’s a doozy, and I get mad that I’m mad with nothing specific to blame it on or deal with. This all continues to make me more angry; and frustrated, overwhelmed, disappointed, ashamed….you get the idea. It’s a horrible vicious cycle. I snap at things that don’t deserve to be snapped at, I can’t think straight, I don’t sleep well, my perspective shrinks and I feel isolated.

This poem speaks to me right now. It fills me with relief and hope, and most of all it gives me permission to be angry. It tells me to go ahead and feel mad, and also to let it tell me what’s underneath it, because there always IS something hiding out. (Like fear or anxiety or sadness.) It’s a wonderful reminder, and it came into my inbox at exactly the right time. No matter how much I learn and grow, I always forget in the moment of BIG emotions that when I let those feelings be felt, even if (and especially if) they make NO sense, I will feel better. It’s in the feeling that I can recognize what’s true and false with my emotions.

Fear. That’s what has been hiding underneath the anger. And sadness, or rather, grief. I think I’ve been waiting, as patiently and as optimistically as possible theses last 7 months, for things to go back to “normal”. It was a quick moment of thought in the midst of a conversation about Thanksgiving, that I recognized fully that this isn’t going to happen. At some point we will simply have a new normal, but there is no going back. This hit me hard in the moment, and then I immediately shut out the emotion that wanted to follow. Hence, anger. And with the anger, I closed out everyone and everything around me, connecting instead with all that feels wrong right now. And it felt like a cold, dark, bottomless pit. Ugh.

This time of year, September through December, has always been my favorite. The air turning crisp and cool, the way it feels to breathe it in and the earthy scent that comes with it. The amazing hues of color in the changeover throughout nature-from summer to fall towards winter-like among the trees, and the crunch under foot of those leaves that have completed their lifecycle and fallen to the ground. The holidays in these months are full of special moments with family and friends. They make these months feel warm and cozy, even as the temperature falls and hints of snowflakes to come. It’s a time full of gratitude and love, even when there are disagreements and hurt feelings, we know we have each other to lean on and laugh with, and remember the wonderful memories of years past. And I don’t know what will happen this year. I do know these holidays will look nothing like last year, and I really miss my people. This triggered me as it feels like a great loss, which quickly became anger because I didn’t want to think about, or feel that loss. Loss is painful, and it’s a scary, insecure place to be when we don’t know what comes next.

It’s been quite a lot to unpack and sort through but I can honestly say I’m past anger. I’m finally allowing myself to feel and work with the other emotions that come with grief. Now that I can hear myself again, the optimistic part of me knows we will find another way to find warm and cozy, and there will always be plenty of love and gratitude to be felt. Because there is plenty to feel grateful for, even if everything seems to have changed and the path forward isn’t quite paved. I simply forgot that I’m not alone, and that we are better together. My people are still here, just some, from a distance.

Remembering to look outside myself for support is what eventually brought me around. Which is why I’m sharing this experience. If you are feeling BIG emotion right now, with the instinct to run or hide from yourself, give yourself permission to feel what you are feeling. At first it may not make sense, or seem off, but continue to let your feelings flow because eventually they will, just like mine did. And if it seems too challenging to allow yourself this option, or you feel alone, or isolated, please reach out to me or someone else you trust, and we’ll remind you that feelings are meant to be felt, and we’re here for you.

There is love and goodness all around, let’s keep helping each other see it and feel it:)

Take care of you this fall season!

with love~Heather